Divorce: 16 Hard Lessons You Don’t Learn Until it’s Too Late
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Marriage, being a profound commitment, can have its share of challenges. On a popular platform known for fostering diverse conversations, divorced individuals were asked a thought-provoking question: “What red flag did you ignore before getting married?” This inquiry prompts individuals to reflect on their past experiences and share the warning signs they may have overlooked or disregarded before tying the knot. The responses provided offer valuable insights and lessons learned from those who have gone through the end of a marriage.
Lack of Communication
To start, a person shared, “My wife and I are not divorced, but my best friend got divorced this year. They divorced over not wanting and wanting to have a child. TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED. If you do not agree with it, then end the relationship early. Don’t think that you can change her or him.”
Dishonesty and Deception
One user said, “A few friends who knew her told me “Don’t do it. She’s a liar”. In hindsight. They were totally right.”
Control and Manipulation
A comment was, “he’d talk me out of doing gifts for each other to save money so I wouldn’t get presents from him for my birthday or valentines or Christmas.”
Disrespect and Excuses
One person said, “That all the excuses he made for everything sounded like he wasn’t bothered because he wasn’t. I should’ve trusted my gut.”
Incompatibility and Differences
A funny comment was, “My mom’s 8 ex-husbands apparently ignored the red flag of how many times she’s been married. Poor chap number 9 ignored them too.”
Another comment was, “I enjoyed my time away from him more than time with him. I would get super depressed when I knew he was going to be home from work soon. I brushed it off as being “antisocial” or “independent.”
Infidelity
An interesting story was, “I was on bedrest while pregnant with our son due to preterm labor (5 months). I was told no intimacy as that could start the labor again. Even though we were living together and engaged, and the child was his, he decided that since I was not putting out, under doctor’s orders, it was not considered cheating to have slept with a 19-year-old. We were married for 15 years, and he never would agree that he cheated. It was my fault for withholding.”
Financial Issues
One person shared, “Bad credit. I knew hers wasn’t good, but I didn’t realize HOW bad it was until after we got married.”
A second person added, “There were so many, but when she suggested we steal a bunch of money from her family and run away from home with a straight face and didn’t stop me when I agreed to do it. That’s probably an indication I should have paid attention to.”
Emotions and Feelings
One user replied, “My gut feeling that I was marrying the wrong person as I was walking down the aisle.”
Another user said, “She was super unenthusiastic about the wedding. I did most of the work and we didn’t even have vows till the day of the event.”
Substance Abuse
A comment was, “His addiction. He got sober before we married but slipped up a few times after the engagement. I figured if, for the rest of my life, my husband slipped up and drank every month or so, I could deal because I was happy the rest of the time. I was so naive. 6 months after the wedding, he fully fell off the wagon and lost his mind.”
Intimacy Incompatibility
A user answered, “He told me, “You saved me from being gay.”
Another user said, “We were best friends with little bedroom chemistry.”
Anger and Aggression
One person said, “She became overwhelmed by even the tiniest setbacks. Someone said something marginally rude to her at work, and she had to take the rest of the shift off because she was fuming so much, for example. It turns out she was that way with everything.”
Another replied, “Not divorced, but I lived with my boyfriend, and we dated for years, so the breakup felt like a divorce. Anyway, he was perfect at first. Then I noticed he would get really angry at small things. When driving, if anything happened that he felt was unfair, he would roll down the window and scream! Looking back, I don’t know why I ignored that. When we started to live together, that anger showed. If I did anything wrong, he would get angry. Accidentally stood in front of the TV for two seconds? Angry. Didn’t rinse a dish properly before putting it in the dishwasher? Angry. Used something of his without permission (lotion, toothpaste, ramen, etc.). Angry.”
Family and Social Issues
One comment was, “Her family. I thought a rose had grown from mud. I was wrong. It was a mud garden that grew nothing else.”
A second comment was, “We weren’t married, but I used to look past how her family communicated by shouting at each other. In the beginning, she would complain about them to me, and I didn’t understand why she kept in contact with them. The difficulties came when she then started to treat me the same way, and I realized that that was just how she defined ‘family.’”
Emotional and Verbal Abuse
A story was, “When we got married, he changed. Suddenly he could demand anything of me because I was his wife. Like an object, something to be owned. Any problems we had and I tried to fix were met with ‘well you married me like this’ with no effort to change.”
Another was, “He told me he was abusive to his ex. “But he’s not like that anymore” RUN. Even his mom warned me of his past behavior.”
Control Over Finances
A popular comment was, “If you can’t sit down at the kitchen table and honestly go over the household finances together, you cannot remain married to each other. Not saying you have to actually do it, but you must be able to. People who can’t be open and honest with each other about money aren’t going to make it as a married couple.”
Emotional Baggage and Trauma
A person shared, “My first wife and I both had relationship trauma in our past. We waltzed along the whole dating process and engagement without considering those issues at all. “
Inflexibility and Unwillingness to Change
One user replied, “Insisting on a wedding dress more than I could afford. Refusing to understand it was too much for me.”
Source: Reddit
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